Source: BBCIt's 9:30pm. I've run around after the boys all day and then tried to do a full day's work. I've thrown together a bolognaise ready to serve to Mr M when he walks in the door at around 10. I boil the water go to put the pasta in and realise I have no pasta. A frantic call later Mr M walks through the door with the pasta asking me how I can forget the pasta when I went shopping for a pasta dish. This isn't the first time it's happened.
You see it's not just the pasta I forget. I forget to have a shower. I forget that I put washing in washing machine the night before and now it's smelling musty. I forget to pay my congestion charge for driving in central London and now face a fine of £60/$120. I forget to put out the rubbish and miss the collection with an overflowing bin. I forget to take Master R's shoes to nursery so he can't play outside and I forget to take my keys out of the bugaboo the when I left it at nursery locking myself outside. Let's not even go into my personal finances where I forget to transfer money regularly and overdraw my accounts.
The issue is that for the past 20 months I have been juggling motherhood, running a home (a difficult and generally discounted job!), and a partner who works very long hours and is very reliant on me to run the show. All this on top of running a business full time. Not to mention attempting to look after myself and knitting.
While I don't feel that I'm on the brink of a breakdown or anything, I just feel constant guilt. Guilt that I'm not giving anything 100%. I'm failing as a partner, failing as a homemaker, failing as a business woman, but most importantly failing as a mother. Something had to give. I've made the decision to close down my business.
It wasn't an easy decision. I started the business naively thinking that it would be easier working for myself when I had children. The opposite is true. It is so much easier to be an employee and take your maternity leave while the concerns of the business are left with the business.
I am relieved that the decision has been made and this chapter has now closed behind me. I'm looking forward to a new start. I want to focus on looking after myself, getting fitter and working on a few other projects. Most importantly I don't want to feel guilty that the boys aren't getting the best mother and "wife" that I can be.
Mama N, you have juggled everything quite spectacularly, and you always look so stylish while doing it. I think it is a brave and well-thought out decision to close the business. You deserve to feel less guilty and to have more time to take care of yourself. I have loved the times when someone complements the way my hair looks and my response is, "I remembered to wash it today." I think we all can relate to feeling like we can be better moms and wives, and I believe we are all doing an amazing job at both.
ReplyDeleteYikes, I just deleted my last comment because I accidently disclosed my Master L's full name. I was trying to edit, but couldn't do it. Anyway, Mama N, i just wanted to say that I can only imagine how difficult this decision was for you. I agonized for months over leaving my part time job when I went back from maternity leave. I just thought I was being pulled in to many directions and it wasn't worth it. Enjoy this very precious time with your tots and you can always go back, or try something else when the time is right. Good luck with your new very important full time role!
ReplyDeleteMama N, I have always been in awe of the limitless energy you seem to possess. It's okay to take a break and focus on your family for a while. I have a feeling that we'll all turn around and realize that the formative years pass too quickly. You're so industrious and quick-witted that you'll be able to pick up where you left off if and when you're ready to do so. For now, take care of yourself and enjoy your three boys. Keep in mind that I have been (technically) unemployed for three years now and it still takes me four trips to Duane Reade to remember that we need light bulbs.
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